Just thinking...

It's 11:30 at night and I should really be asleep, but I've just been nostalgic recently and I think writing it down will get it out of my head for a while.

I've lost a couple of really close friends in the past couple of years and I'm starting to dwell on the loss. Maybe having my son has prompted me to long for that friendship again in an effort to share my joy with them. I'm not sure how they would feel if they new I missed them and wished we could be close like we used to be.

We were both hurt and from my end I know I am afraid of being hurt again. Being rejected would just devastate me more than before so I don't want to put myself out there, but at the same time I wish things could be different.

Throughout my pregnancy I wanted to be able to call and share my joys, my fears, my milestones and my pain but fear is my biggest enemy. For some it drives them to move forward for me fear keeps me in check. "If you don't move, you won't get hurt" I say to myself, but I can't stop wishing.

I want them to know how special my son is as well as participate and rejoice in the goings-on of their life. I'm not sure if that will ever be possible especially as my fear dictates what I do. I just hope that my writing it down and getting it out of my head for a while, I'll be able to quell my feelings for a while...til next time :)