Reminiscing

I was doing a little reminiscing the other day (I seem to do that a lot lately) and realized that on Feb 17, 2008 I found out that I was pregnant. We were in Red River, NM working on our town home.



The week we were leaving I was SO sick! I had a very bad cold. I even stayed home from work a few days, adding more time to my vacation. Valentines day didn't happen. I was laid out on the coach. I was SO upset because I didn't think I'd be able to enjoy our time in the mountains, but we had already made the plans and we were going. I knew my time of the month was coming up so I was prepared. I slept most of the way to Red River. From here it's about 10 hours. I needed to sleep and get better if I was to do anything.

The day we got there, I was feeling better so we walked to the ski lift. And later that day we went out to dinner. No problems...yet. It wasn't until the 3rd day we were there that I knew something wasn't right. That morning we decided to get a breakfast burrito from a little restaurant. The owner was very surprised to see anybody since the town during the week is pretty lonely. We ordered and sat down. As soon as she started cooking the smell hit my nose and I felt an awful feeling in my stomach. I was immediately nauseous! I've never had that feeling before. Food does NOT make me sick. If you've looked at me, then you'd know food is my friend. I felt SO sick that I walked next door to get away from the smell. I did actually try to eat the burrito but only took 2 bites. Uh oh!!

We walked right to the local store and bought the least expensive test they had there. I was surprsed they had preggo tests. Off we went back to the town house. I didn't know that the best time to take the test is first thing in the am so I just took it. It was positive...barely. The plus sign was very faint so I had my doubts. Stephen is IMMEDIATELY excited but I on the other hand had mixed feelings. I wasn't ready to celebrate. I was sick the rest of the night and planned to go back and buy the more expensive test in the AM.

Naturally I couldn't sleep, I was still kinda "coldish" and now nauseous. We went and bought the test and then tried it out. POSITIVE...sorta. Again the "plus sign" wasn't very strong but it was there. I went ahead and made an appointment with my ob/gyn, who I'd just seen less than a month before. Funny story... I went the the Dr. on Feb 3 for BC. It was my first time to see him and since I didn't have any BC he gave me some samples. I loved my Dr. He was great (as great as an ob/gyn can be), but I didn't start taking them right away. I wanted to see if my cycle was on time. I had been on BC since I was 19!

To continue... We're Pregnant!! OMG! I can't believe it. I am terrified! What now! Is this real? No it can't be real! I'm not suppose to be able to get pregnant. OMG!!! I've been drunk in the last 2 weeks. I've taken lost of cold meds! I'm in denial, happy, scared, excited, fearful, anxious, in shock, in disbelief, and lots of other adjectives I can't think of. Stephen and I fight! I'm not as "happy" as he things I should be. How could I be. The alcohol I've had; the medications I've taken. How have I effected my child. What have I done.

The rest of the week was crappy. I was Sick and on the couch. No skiing and no snowmobiling. I wanted to stay in the bathroom next to my best friend. All I could eat were canned peaches and cucumbers with lime. We had bought all these groceries and Stephen had to eat all of it. He actually did eat about 80%!! My hubby was SO full!

We decided not to tell people until the end of the 1st trimester in case something happened. I was still in denial to be honest.

That's how it all started...And now my life has completely changed!!

Just thinking...

It's 11:30 at night and I should really be asleep, but I've just been nostalgic recently and I think writing it down will get it out of my head for a while.

I've lost a couple of really close friends in the past couple of years and I'm starting to dwell on the loss. Maybe having my son has prompted me to long for that friendship again in an effort to share my joy with them. I'm not sure how they would feel if they new I missed them and wished we could be close like we used to be.

We were both hurt and from my end I know I am afraid of being hurt again. Being rejected would just devastate me more than before so I don't want to put myself out there, but at the same time I wish things could be different.

Throughout my pregnancy I wanted to be able to call and share my joys, my fears, my milestones and my pain but fear is my biggest enemy. For some it drives them to move forward for me fear keeps me in check. "If you don't move, you won't get hurt" I say to myself, but I can't stop wishing.

I want them to know how special my son is as well as participate and rejoice in the goings-on of their life. I'm not sure if that will ever be possible especially as my fear dictates what I do. I just hope that my writing it down and getting it out of my head for a while, I'll be able to quell my feelings for a while...til next time :)

A little frustrated!

I think my mother in law hates the fact that my son looks like me!
We spent a lot of time with them this weekend. First we went to one of Stephen's baby cousins birthday on Saturday and stayed fairly late, then we went to watch the Superbowl with them at their house on Sunday.
At the birthday party a lot of the family said that Matt looked like me. Many of them hadn't seen him since he was born or shortly after so he has changed tremendously! I wager to say that 90% of the Stephen's cousins, aunts, and uncles said that Matt has most of my charateristics. I was pretty excited to say the least. But not my mother-in-law! She kept saying that the cheeks aren't mine, they are Stephen's when he was a baby. That Matt's chin isn't mine, that it's from HER mom's side of the family and that his eyes are like's Stephen's when he wasa baby too!! What is wrong with Matt looking like me? I honestly see both of us in this child but if you see baby pics of me, we are identical! I've even showed her the pics...but NOOOOO Matt is only Stephen and his side of the family. She openly tells everyone that Matt is ALL Stephen! I love my husband and I'm very glad that the baby resembles him, but it's really hard to deny that I'm in there too! He even lifts up his eyebrow like I do! Stephen can't do that. When she said all that I just brush it off and let her say what she wants to say. But yesterday...

We dropped the baby off before the superbowl because Stephen and I are taking Chinese language classes and needed her to take care of him so we could do that. At her house, there was one of her sisters who hadn't seen the baby (she is one of 15 kids; 12 girls and 3 boys!). The first thing Tia T said, "OMG! He looks just like Blanca! Look at those chubby cheeks!" I had a huge grin until my mom-in-law said, "No he doesn't, He looks like Stephen. Stephen's cheeks were just like that." WOW!!! Really? Am I that bad looking? Why doesn't she want the baby to look like me? I was very angry, but I held it in, like I always do. She is in total denial.

GRRRRRRRRRR!!

We've never had problems with her really. She has said somethings that I didn't like, but I tell and vent to Stephen. I don't want to start anything. So I'll just pout and grumble on here!!